ATTACK OF THE COPIES
by Einstein-Wannabe
Summary: ( Complete at last!) See the new and improved script for EPISODE II ( from the creator of ANAKIN'S WORLD)
1. Chapter 1

A/N I do not own anything to do with Star Wars, seeing as how I am not George Lucas. Reviews are always lovely things. :)  
  


STAR WARS  
EPISODE II  
ATTACK OF THE COPIES  
  
The Republic sucks. Lots of   
Planets are quiting from it.  
Some dud named COUNT DOOKU  
says he's cooler and the Planets  
should join with him.  
Spider man sucks!. . .  
  


(_Cut to Audience)  
  
_Audience: Oh #&($! this is NOT a good sign.  
  
(_We open up to Padme Amidalas ship, cruising into Coruscant)  
  
_Captain Typho: ( _looks just like Panaka, only has three eyes) _ My lady, we shall we in port soon.  
  
(_Male guard stares confused at him_)  
  
Guard: Uh. . . good!  
  
( _Padme comes walking out, sporting a lovely bear and mustache_)  
  
Padme: Hello captain.  
  
Typho: _( gives guard a dirty look) _It appears we were all concerned for naught._  
  
_( _At that an assasin comes out and shoots Captain Typho_)  
  
Padme: ( _picking up gun_) I'll show you!  
  
( _She shoots herself_)  
  
Assasin: Cool.  
  
( _Jumps out of ship, which crashes into a nearby building on Corscant. Next door the real Padme Amidala, who does not have a beard and mustache, looks up from her massage)  
  
_Padme: Oh no the assasin missed me again and killed my decoy! ( _snickers_)  
  
Typho: My lady, I would believe it wise to leave now.  
  
( _We see Padme's massager, a ghost shadow of Qui-Gon Jinn)_  
  
Qui-Gon: ( _looks at camera) _Well, this was what I always wanted to do for a career anyway.  
  
Padme: Really?   
  
Qui-Gon: ( _ponders for a moment_) I don't sense anything.  
  
( _Padme and Typho leave, disgusted_)  
  
Padme: ( _looks around outside)_ Dude, where's my ship?  
  
Typho: I dunno. I think it went bye-bye.  
  
( _N'Sync comes running out, begins performing song Bye, bye,bye_)  
  
Padme: Oh my God! N'Sync!  
  
( _Cut to audience)  
  
_Audience: WHAT THE &$**()& IS THIS?  
  
( _George Lucas comes out)  
  
_Lucas: Hey! I make Star Wars for the fans, not for the critics!  
  
Audience: George, we ARE the fans!  
  
George: (_grins sheepishly_) Oh yeah, I forgot  
  
(_Cut back to movie: we are now inside Chancellor Palpatine's quarters)  
  
_Palpatine: I don't know how much longer I can hold off the Seperatists my friends. (_ giggles_)  
  
Mace Windu: Dude, we Jedi can kick butt, though we are not supposed to.  
  
Palpatine: What do you think Master Yoda?  
  
(_Yoda closes eyes, see strange vision of himself and Windu doing the chicken dance_)  
  
Yoda: Er. . . impossible to see, the future is. ( _looks away_)  
  
Palpatine: Er, sure. What about Count Dooku?  
  
Windu: Dooky the Wookie?  
  
Palpatine:( _looking genuinely shocked_) Excuse me?  
  
Windu: Er, nothing. Personal joke. ( _tries not to laugh)_  
  
(_ At this point Padme comes charging in)  
  
_Palpatine: Hello my lady, how are you?  
  
Padme: Dude, are you mental? I just nearly got killed again.  
  
Palpatine: Oh, I would not want that. . . er, dud. ( _Pretends to look concerned)_  
  
Typho: (_ ignores Palpatine's response)_ We think her lady needs protection.  
  
Padme: Hey, I'm not a wimp! (_ grabs Typho and throws him through the window)_  
  
( _All the Jedi and Palpatine stare, apparantly impressed_)  
  
Yoda: Bad feeling about this, I have.  
  
( _Cut to Audience_)  
  
Audience: Me too.  
  



	2. Chapter 2

A/N I do not own anything relating to Star Wars, etc. Reviews are always lovely things.  
  
  
  
(_We cut to Anakin and Obi-Wan, entering Padme's quarters; Jar-Jar comes out to meet them)  
_Jar-Jar: Hello, boyos!  
  
(_ Obi-Wan cuts off his head, chops his body in half, pulls out blaster and burns his remains to a crisp)  
_  
(_Audience roars with delight_)  
  
(_ Jar-Jar comes bounding out again_)  
  
Obi-Wan: I thought I got rid of you.  
  
Jar-Jar: Nice kamonos make me once again!  
  
Obi-Wan: I'm going to have to have a serious talk with these kamonos.  
  
( _Notices Anakin mimicking his words; cuffs him on the head)_  
  
Anakin:(_whining)_ Masterrrrrr! That really hurt! ( _grins in an innocent, brainless manner_) Isn't Senator Padme cute? She's like Minnie Mouse, only better.  
  
( _Obi-Wan groans with disgust_)  
  
Anakin: (p_retends to be Obi-Wan_) Anakin, how many times have I told you not to talk about a politician like that?(_does Chipmunk voice)_ Master, I am so sorry for misbehaving.  
  
Obi-Wan: (_ smacks Anakin up the head again_) Why do I bother training you for? I didn't like my master enough for this torture.  
  
Anakin: Because I am the Chosen One! ( _a ray of light shines over his head as he stares up into the heaven with a look of a grand hero)  
_  
( _Jar-Jar has to hide so Anakin does not notice him fake vomiting)  
_  
Obi-Wan: (_raises an eyebrow_) What makes you think you really are the chosen one?  
  
Anakin: Are you kidding? Have you ever seen anyone else with pecs like this?(_ flashes chest out at camera)  
_  
( _Female Audience cheers with delight_)  
  
( _Into the room come Padme and her guards_)  
  
Obi-Wan: (_ rather loudly_) IT'S WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU AGAIN MY LADY!  
  
( Anakin pulls his shirt back on)  
  
Padme: (_ gives Obi-Wan an annoyed eye)_ What's with the beard? You look so much hot-(notice Anakin) Ani? That stupid little boy on Tatooine.  
  
Anakin: (_grins happily_) Yes, it's me , I am glad to see you are ho-,er. . . more beautiful than ever for , uh, a Naboo,uh, person. . . thinger. . uh  
  
(_ Obi-Wan rolls his eyes, intervenes quickly_)  
  
Obi-Wan: Do not fear your Senator, we will be sure to keep you safe.  
  
_(All of Padme's guards scatter at this_)  
  
Padme: So, think I am just a wimp senator, do you? I can't watch out for myself can I?(_ starts to approach Obi-Wan in a dangerous manner)  
_  
Obi-Wan: (_ starts backing away_) Er. . . Anakin! The Senator wants to say hello again!  
  
Anakin: Oh, uh. . . hello again uh . . . Lady Portman-I mean Padme.  
  
Padme: (_shakes her head, disgusted_) Oh Ani, you will always be that stupid boy I remember on Tatooine.  
  
Anakin: Hey! I am almost the most powerful Jedi ever and I can kick your butt! (_glares at Padme and pulls out his lightsaber, swinging it around in a manly manner)  
_  
( Padme simply kicks the lightsaber out of his hand, knocks him over, beats him up, walks out again)  
  
Obi-Wan: ( _looks down at crying Anakin_) You know, maybe she doesn't need us here after all.  
  
( _We cut to that night, with Anakin and Obi-Wan standing outside of Padme's room)  
  
_Anakin: ( _smugly_) Everyone knows I'm the sex symbol in this movie!  
  
Obi-Wan: No Way! I'm the cool one!  
  
Anakin: (_ rolls his eyes)_ Master, are you mental? Everyone wants to see some bearded middle aged guy, sure they do.  
  
(_Obi-Wan cuffs him on the head, Anakin slaps him back. The two start cat-fighting each other)  
_  
( _Meanwhile, R2-D2, inside of Padme's quarters, starts sounding off an alarm)  
  
_R2-D2: Beep, boop, boop! ( There are two deadly creatures that are about to kill Senator Padme that were sent by an assassin hired by a bounty hunter who is the model for the unknown clone army!)  
  
(_Obi-Wan and Anakin cease from their cat-fight)  
_  
Anakin: ( _to Obi-Wan)_ What does R2 mean The sky looks like fire tonight?  
  
( _Suddenly the two stop and look at each othe_r)  
  
Obi-Wan: (_to Anakin_) I sense it too.  
  
(_ Obi-Wan leaps into Padme's room and kills two little worm creatures; Anakin jumps out window)  
_  
Obi-Wan: (l_ooks around) _Where did Anakin go?  
  
Anakin: (_comes back through window_) I knew it! Check it out master! Advanced tickets to The Matrix Reloaded!  
  
( _Obi- Wan shakes his head with disgust)  
  
(Obi-Wan suddenly jumps out of the window)  
  
_Anakin: (_to Padme)_ I think he's always wanted to do that.  
  
( _Runs out, find a Porsche in the local Coruscant parking lot: jumps in and takes off with it_)  
  
Anakin: Now THIS is racing through Coruscant!  
  
( _Owner of Porsche, Arnold Schwarzenegger, comes sees Anakin taking off)  
_  
Arnold: Hey! That's mine!( _Pulls out machine gun and starts shooting at him)  
  
_Anakin: ( _does Arnold impersonation_) Oh you little brat! IHasta La Vista you baby!  
  
( _Flies off and sees Obi-Wan falling to his death; he races up and starts flying downward beside him)  
_  
Anakin: (_ shouts to Obi-Wan_) Now do you think I am ready for the trials?!  
  
Obi-Wan: Up yours! Let me in!  
  
Anakin: (_sing-song voice)_ Not until you say yes.  
  
Obi-Wan: Yes!  
  
(_Anakin lets him in)_  
  
Obi-Wan: Yes, I will slap you. (_ cuffs him on the head_)  
  
Anakin: (_starts crying as they continue to chase the assasin through Coruscant_) Why are you always picking on me, Master? What about the time you pantsed YOUR master?  
  
Obi-Wan: YOU did that to ME! In front of the Chancellor!  
  
Anakin: ( _grins evilly_) Yeah! Boy was Master Yoda embarressed when that happened!  
  
Obi-Wan: (_ to himself)_ I hate my life.  
  
( _They catch up with the assasin in a bar; Obi-Wan runs in and chops off her arm_)  
  
Assasin: Hey!   
  
Obi-Wan: Oh,sorry, wrong arm. (_ cuts off her other arm_)  
  
Assasin: I'm just getting a drink,take it easy man.  
  
(_ A few pretty women walk by, Anakin give them a cocky grin)  
_  
Anakin: Don't worry ladies, just some Jedi business.  
  
(_ Ducks as Obi-Wan swings at his head again)_  
  
Obi-Wan: ( _to assasin)_ Who hired you?  
  
( _Anakin starts mocking Obi-Wan to the crowd; while Obi-Wan cuffs him again, a BOUNTY HUNTER runs in, shoots the assasin, then runs out)  
_  
Obi-Wan: ( _at now dead assasin)_ Dang it! She was just about to tell me who hired her!  
  
Anakin: I notice that happens a lot.  
  
( _We cut later to Padme and Anakin; Anakin to hang out with her_)  
  
Padme: I do not like this idea of hidinig.  
  
Anakin: That's right. You don't have to hide your feelings for me.  
  
(_ Padme smacks him up the head)  
_  
Padme: Anakin, are you ever going to take a hint? I DONT LIKE YOU!  
  
( _Anakin starts crying again; the ghost of Qui-Gon comes running out)  
_  
Qui-Gon: You have upset the Chosen one! ( _raises his transluscent lightsaber_)  
  
(_ Padmes throws him out window)  
_  
Anakin: I miss Qui-Gon! I miss Mommy! I miss Jar Jar! (_ rethinks that)_ I mean, I miss Master! (_ rethinks that too_) Er. . . I miss , uh, C-3PO!  
  
(_ Cut to Audience_)   
  
Audience: What a great guy! I wonder how he EVER became Darth Vader.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N I do not own anything to do with Star Wars, seeing as how I am not George Lucas. Reviews are always lovely things. :)  
  
(_Obi-Wan comes walking in to training room where Yoda is training younglings_)  
  
Yoda: What help can I be, Master Obi-Wan?  
  
Obi-Wan: I need some help,Master Yoda. I have lost something.  
  
Yoda: (_looks worried_) Lost your pants again, you have not?  
  
( _Younglings giggle at this_)  
  
Obi-Wan: No! I need to find the planet Kamino.  
  
Yoda: Who told you of this?  
  
Obi-Wan: I don't really know. It was this random,strange fellow who I seemed to know for some reason.  
  
Yoda: Ah, it always is.   
  
(_ Sees Hael Joel Osmant looking as one of the younglings, looking concerned)_  
  
Yoda: What is it, younling?  
  
Osmant: I see dead Jedi.  
  
( _Ghost of Qui-Gon is standing next to him)  
  
_Obi-Wan: Master?  
  
Qui-Gon: ( _looks around his transparent self_) I don't sense anything.  
  
(_ Obi-Wan and Yoda exchange disgusted looks)  
  
( Meanwhile, we see Anakin and Padme traveling to Naboo)_  
  
Padme: ( _looks around)_ It was so good of your master to let you come with me for protection.  
  
Anakin: Oh sure. I mean, it's not like he doesn't know I'm here. (_ looks away)  
_  
(_ R2-D2 rolls by, making an unbelieving sound)_  
  
Padme: I guess it must be tough swearing your life to the Jedi. Not being able to do the things you like.  
  
Anakin: Or be with the people that I love.  
  
Padme: _( rolls her eyes)_ Ani, your mom doesn't count.  
  
Anakin: Hey! Don't call me Ani! (_ loses temper, swings out lightsaber again_)  
  
(_Padme karate chops him once again, beats him up)  
  
_Nearby woman passenger: I NEED some of that.  
  
(_ Meanwhile, Obi-Wan has arrived on Kamino, greeted by tall, white alien)_  
  
Tall, white alien: Welcome Jedi Master. Your master, the Dark Lord of the Sith Sifo-Dyas, told us to expect you.  
  
Obi-Wan: (_ laughs politely_) I'm sorry madame, there is no Dark Lord of the Sith named Sifo-Dyas.  
  
( _Out walking comes Jango Fett, wearing full Mandalorian armor and a shirt that says I hate Jedi)  
_  
Jango: Oh &%%&$*(&#! ( _runs off_)  
  
Obi-Wan: Hey! I saw that! Get back here!  
  
( _Chases Jango into a room filled with Clone Troopers)  
_  
Obi-Wan: Have any of you seen a guy in Madalorian Armor?  
  
(_ They all point to a Gamerron guard in a nearby corner)_  
  
Obi-Wan: I do not believe that is him.  
  
( _Outside Jango Fett and Boba take off in their ship)_  
  
Obi-Wan: (_ sees them escape_) Blast, I got hosed!  
  
( _All the clones crack up simultaneously; Obi-Wan looks seriously pissed off)_  
  
( _Meanwhile, Anakin and Padme have landed on Naboo and are meeting with the Queen)_  
  
Queen: We must continue to rely on the Republic I suppose.  
  
Random old guy from Episode 1: It's unthinkable.  
  
Padme: What is?  
  
Random old guy from Episode 1: I'm not sure.  
  
Anakin: ( _rolls his eyes, mutters under his breath)_ No wonder the Trade Federation took over this planet. What a bunch of losers. I don't get what Padme sees in them.  
  
Queen: What was that master Jedi?  
  
Anakin: Er. . . I was just thinking aloud about the Republic.  
  
Padme: ( _laughs_) Oh Anakin's not a Jedi yet, he's still learning.  
  
Anakin: ( _trys to remain cool)_ Oh rest assured, my lady, I am as capable as one.  
  
Padme: ( _rolls her eyes_) Whatever you say Ani.  
  
(_ This pushes Anakin over the edge_)  
  
Anakin: All right, that's it! How many times do I have to tell you to NOT CALL ME ANI!  
  
(Queen, Random old guy, and other random people start to run off)  
  
Padme: ( _sighs_) Not again! (_ beats Anakin up, mutters under her breath Snot-nosed brat._)  
  
Queen: (_ to assistant_) Why exactly did she stop being Queen?  
  
(_ Cut to Anakin and Padme walking out on a covered deck, where, for some reason, Padme had stripped down to only a bikini)  
  
_Anakin: ( _feels sand_) I don't like sand.  
  
Padme: I didn't ask you if you did, you dolt! I said this is a nice place.  
  
Anakin: It's only nice because you make it nice. ( _gives her innocent, hoping look)_  
  
Padme: ( _now looks pissed off_) Are you saying I turn myself on?  
  
Anakin: (_ suddenly wakes up_) Uh, no!I just mean, uh,. . .  
  
( _Grabs Padme into a big, dramatic kiss_)  
  
Padme: (_ socks Anakin in the gut)_ Great. Could this situation get any worse?  
  
(_ A nearby voice is whistling; Anakin and Padme turn to see the ghost of Qui-Gon_)  
  
Qui-Gon: Attaboy Anakin! (_ looks down slightly)_ I was never able to get it on, though I tried-  
  
( _Notices Anakin and Padme now both shooting him death looks,comes to his senses)_  
  
Qui-Gon: Er. . . bye!  
  
(_ Disappears_ )  
  
Padme: ( _suddenly turns stupid, runs across grassy field_) You're making fun of me, Anakin!  
  
Anakin: ( _runs after her, continually tripping over stones_) No I would be much too afraid to tease a senator!  
_  
( The two collapse down, soundly air is filled with The Sound of Music. The two turn to see Obi-Wan singing on top of a hill)  
_  
Anakin: Master?  
  
Obi-Wan: Crap! (_ runs off)_  
  
Padme: Uh, who was that?  
  
Anakin: Ah, it was my master's alter ego, Ewan McGregor.  
  
Padme: ( _suddenly becomes smart again_) What the hell am I doing? I need to get out of this place!  
  
Anakin: Where shall we go?  
  
Padme: How about Tatooine?  
  
Anakin: Sure. Why there?  
  
Padme: Oh, so you can see your mother of course. (_ mutters under her breath_) And so I can dump you off you loser.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4

A/N I don't own anything related to Star Wars, etc. Reviews are always nice things.  
  
(_Cut to Obi-Wan chasing Jango through an asteriod field)  
  
_Jango: (_to Boba_) This guy doesn't quit does he?  
  
(_Fires big lasers at Obi-Wan, which miss and hit flying potato in asteriod field)  
_  
Jango: All right, this guy asked for it.  
  
_( Starts dropping out Tellitubbies from the back of his ship)_  
  
Obi-Wan: Geeze, this guy's brutal.  
  
_( Follows Jango, lands on Hoth)_  
  
Obi-Wan: ( _looks around barren landscape)_ What the hell is he going to do here?  
  
Jango: (_ yells out of Slave I taking off)_ Sucker!  
  
Obi-Wan: Blast! I got hosed again!  
  
( _Meanwhile Anakin and Padme land on Tatooine, where they meet Watto)_  
  
Watto: (_ sees Anakin)_ What do you want boy?  
  
_( Notices Padme and her outfit)_  
  
Watto: Ah, now I see. How much you want for her boy?  
  
(_ Padme looks extremely pissed off over this comment; Anakin quickly intervenes)  
_  
Anakin: ( _grabs Watto by neck_) WHERE'S MOMMY?! (_ seems to rethink comment_) Er. . . where's my mother?!  
  
Watto: Who the hell are you?  
  
Anakin: (_suddenly notices the machine Watto is working on)_ Hold on, I'll fix this.  
  
( _Starts to work on it, is electrocuted and flies across sandy road; Padme groans in annoyance)  
_  
Watto: (_ suddenly looks happy_) Ani?! Only you would be so stupid! Ha!  
  
Anakin: ( _comes back, mushing down fried hair)_ Where's my mother?  
  
Watto: I dunno. Let me check. (_ pulls out rare copy of Lucas's Episode II: Attack of the Copies script_) Ah, I see. She's living with some dude named Lars.  
  
( _Lucas and the film crew come out on screen; Watto sees them and starts to run)  
  
_Lucas: Halt! Stop him! Don't let him get away! He's got my script! (_ crew and Lucas tackle Watto, start beating him up)  
_  
( _Anakin and Padme quickly leave_)  
  
( _They arrive at the Lars' residence_)  
  
Owen: Hi. I'm Owen. I guess that means that we're brothers.  
  
Anakin: Where's my mother?  
  
Owen: (_ walks off muttering)_ Idealistic fool.Should have stayed a slave and lived the good life.  
  
(_ Anakin and Padme look befuddled over this; Cliegg Lars comes flying out on hovercraft)_  
  
Anakin: Where's my mother? I'm starting to get impatient. (_ starts fingering lightsaber_)  
  
Cliegg: (_looks a bit worried)_ Er. . . the Tusken Raiders took her.  
  
Anakin: ( _yells out into the horizon_) Don't worry Mommy, I'm coming! (_ jumps onto suddenly appearing speeder bike, takes off)  
_  
Padme: (_ simply shrugs at Cliegg_)  
  
( _Meanwhile,Obi-Wan follows Jango Fett to Geneosis. He discovers a secret headquarters where he hears Dooku and Nute Gunay talking)  
  
_Gunray: And the senator from Naboo, is she dead?  
  
Dooku: Of course. Here's her head. (_ pulls out a Wookie head_)  
  
Gunray: Hmmm, I don't recall her being so hairy but okay! I'll sign the treaty.  
  
Dooku: Good. ( _While Gunray turns back, he throw head away, mutters Stupid Neimodian.)  
_  
(_ Obi-Wan looks rather worried, starts to get out of there, when reprehended by Lucas_)  
  
Lucas: You there! Halt! You can't escape! It say so in the script!  
  
Obi-Wan: Screw the script! I'm getting the hell out of here!  
  
(_Starts to run, gets captured by passing Jawa_)  
  
Jawa: Ootinie! ( _grabs Obi-Wan, beats him up, drags him over to prison room_)  
  
Obi-Wan: I'm really having a bad day.  
  
( _Meanwhile Anakin sneaks into a Tusken Camp)_  
  
Anakin: ( _sees his mother_) Mom! (_ runs over to her_)  
  
Woman: Who are you?  
  
Anakin: It's me mom. Anakin.  
  
( _Doesn't seem to notice his real mom lying next to the woman, suddenly stirring)_  
  
Shmi: Ani? Is that you?  
  
Anakin: ( i_gnores Shmi_) Don't worry Mom, I'll get you out of here!  
  
( _Woman dies; Shmi dies of fright; Anakin looks confused_)  
  
Anakin: I had two moms? And they're both dead?!  
  
( _Looks very angry, goes outside and starts chopping up Tusken Raiders)_  
  
( _Meanwhile, Yoda has a distressful vision)_  
  
Windu: What is it Master Yoda?  
  
Yoda:Strange desire to go kick Tusken Raider butt I have.  
  
Windu: (_ shrugs_) It must just be stress.  
  
( _Back at Geneosis, Obi-Wan is levetating in an energy field when Count Dooku comes in_)  
  
Obi-Wan: What's going on here Dooku?  
  
Dooku: Oh,you mean how I've got huge droid armies on my side, I'm about to start a civil war in the galaxy, and my master, Darth Sidious, is actually Chancellor Palpatine, who is using the whole scenario to take control of the Republic and rule the galaxy?  
  
Obi-Wan: (_ laughs)_ What's really going on?  
  
Dooku: ( _looks a bit confused at this reaction_) Uh. . . the Republic is under the control of the Dark Lord of the Sith?  
  
Obi-Wan: No way. The Jedi would be able to find out.  
  
Dooku: Ah, but the Dark Lord Sauron- er, Sidious, is mysterious. (_ looks straight at Obi-Wan)_ You must join me Obi-Wan and together. . . we will destroy the Sith!  
  
Obi-Wan: You've got to be kidding me! You drop Tellitubbies on me, dump me on Hoth,and then let a Jawa beat me up?! I'm pissed off!  
  
Dooku: Good. Anger is the path to the dark side after all.  
  
Obi-Wan: ( _suddenly gets mischievious look_) You would know, wouldn't you DOOKY?  
  
Dooku: _( looks very annoyed suddenly_) Shut up.  
  
Obi-Wan: (_ softly sings, grinnning the whole time)_ Dooky, Dooky, he's such a wookie!  
  
Dooku: That's it!  
  
(_ Out comes a group of Urk-Hai_)  
  
Obi-Wan: What the hell are these things?  
Dooku: (_ smiles_) Just something I picked up in my day job.Have fun.  
  
(_ Walks out, finds table with palantatir on it, starts to use it_)  
  
Dooku: ( _mutters_) The commmand of Geneiosis is at your hand, my lord.  
  
_(An image of a dark hood appears in the sphere_)  
  
Voice of Sidious: Build me an army, worthy of the Sith!  
  
( _Disappears, in comes a couple of battle droids_)  
  
Battle Droid #1: What news from Coruscant my lord? What does the hood command?  
  
Dooku: We have work to do.  
  
(_ Cut to Audience_)  
  
Peter Jackson: (_stands up straight_) HOLD ON A SECOND THERE LUCAS! No way! THIS is way too coincidental!  
  
( _Lucas appears_)  
  
Lucas: Ha! Star Wars rules!  
  
Jackson: Lord of the Ring rules!  
  
Lucas: STAR WARS!  
  
Jackson: LORD OF THE RINGS!  
  
Audience: ( _sounds slightly worried_) Uh, can we just get back to the movie?  
  
( _Movie begins again with Lucas and Jackson starting to duke it out_)  
  
( _Cut to Anakin, returning to the Lars' residence_)  
  
Anakin: ( _starts crying_) Mommy's dead!  
  
Padme: Well what the hell did you expect? The Lars told you she was.  
  
Anakin: I killed them.( _starts crying harder_)  
  
Padme: (_ looks extremely annoyed_) Killed who?  
  
Anakin: I killed a bunch of Tusken Raiders.  
  
Padme: ( _kicks him in the head, walks off shaking her head, disgruntled_) How did I ever get stuck with this loser?  
  
(_ Lucas comes out, waves Padme's paycheck in front of her face_)  
  
Padme: (_ sighs)_ Oh yeah, right.  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

A/N I don't owny anything to do with Star Wars, etc. Reviews are welcome of course.  
  
(_The Lars and Anakin and Padme all have a funeral for Shmi)_  
  
Cliegg: You were the best wife a man could have for- (_ checks wristwatch_) Twenty minutes.  
  
Anakin: I'm sorry I let you down mom. Next time I won't though.If you ever are going to die again, I won't let you!  
  
( _Padme just rolls her eyes; C-3PO comes walking over_)  
  
C-3PO: Excuse me Master Anakin, there is a message for you.  
  
( _Anakin and Padme return to ship_)  
  
Anakin: Play message!  
  
( _The image of a beatiful, scantily dressed woman comes out)_  
  
Anakin: (_ panics at this_) No! Other message!  
  
( _Padme gives him angry look while he grins sheepishly_)  
  
( _Image of Obi-Wan appears_)  
  
Obi-Wan: Anakin, I would ask you not to come to Geneosis and to simply get this message to the Republic, but I know you're not listening so I'll make it brief.  
  
Anakin: ( _looks up suddenly_) What did he say?  
  
Padme: Uh, he said tie your shoelaces.  
  
Anakin: ( _notices shoes are untied_) How does that guy do that?  
  
(_ Padme groans, transfers message to Coruscant_)  
  
Obi-Wan: The Geneosians are preparing for war.  
  
( _Cut to the council and Jedi watching the message)_  
  
Palpatine: Ooh, I'm scared now.  
  
Obi-Wan: Unfortuneatly they have a massive power on their hands.  
  
( _Lifts up a single laser gun_)  
  
Organa: A laser? Sheesh, and to think my planet only needed that to rule the galaxy?  
  
Obi-Wan: This is the one laser. Forged by the dark lord of the Sith in the factories of Coruscant, created by Sidious himself.  
  
(_ Palpatine starts to squirm at this; others look at him curiously_)  
  
Palpatine: Oh, I just don't like weapons.  
  
Obi-Wan: You can see the writing: One laser to rule them all, one laser to fry them, one laser to destroy them all, and with electrical synthesis bind them.  
  
( _Cut to Audience; Peter Jackson gives Lucas an extremely dirty look_)  
  
( _Message of Obi-Wan abruptly ends_)  
  
Organa: The Genesonians are preparing for war, there can be no doubt of that.  
  
Yoda: Not sure, I am.  
  
Organa: Why do you say that?  
  
Yoda: ( _gives Organa inquisitive look_) If laser so powerful is, why word MATTEL written on side?  
  
( _They all seem to consider this comment; Meanwhile Anakin and Padme sneak into Geneosis)  
_  
(_ They enter the droid factory)_  
  
Padme: Oh my.  
  
Anakin: It is an army built for a single purpose: To destroy the world of the Republic.  
  
( _They see Count Dooku talking to some advanced droids)  
  
_Dooku: Do you know what the droids are? They were originally machines, which were taken in by the Trade Federation, twisted, mechanized and now- perfected. ( _Steps closer_) Whom do you serve?  
  
Droid: Lord Tyrannous.  
  
(_ Peter Jackson growls at Lucas again)_  
  
Dooku: (_ sees Anakin and Padme_) Stop them!  
  
Padme: Bring it on!   
  
( _She starts karate chopping all the droids, while Anakin slices them with his lightsaber_)  
  
Dooku: ( _looks at his destroyed droids_) You guys are good.  
  
Anakin: Thanks.   
  
Dooku: But not good enough.  
  
(_ Releases a herd of rabid Jawas on them; they are defeated and tied up_)  
  
( _Cut to Anakin and Padme sitting on a wagon, about to be carried out to the execution area)  
_  
Padme: ( _sees Lucas in background motioning for her to talk_) Anakin, I truly, deeply ( _scrunches face_) love you.  
  
Anakin: All right! I knew you did!  
  
( _Padme looks really miserable now as they are dragged to the middle of the area where Obi-Wan is chained up as well)  
_  
Anakin: ( _girns sheepishly)_ Hi master.  
  
Obi-Wan: Oh great. Did you at least get my messge to Coruscant?  
  
Padme: Yes, he did, but he almost sent that one with the bellydancer gir-  
  
( _Anakin quickly uses the Force to shut her mouth closed; Obi-Wan mouths question What bellydancer girl? but thinks better of it, settles for shaking his head in disgust)_  
  
( _Dooku comes out in top box of arena)_  
  
Dooku: Release the creatures!  
  
_( Out comes a Tyrannosaurus Rex and a Cave Troll_)  
  
Anakin: Ah, I think I can take these guys.  
  
( _Out last comes Rambo_)  
  
Obi-Wan: ( _mutters)_ I really hate my life.  
  
Rambo: Time to die, Jedi! (_thinks about that comment_) Woah, I made a rhyme!  
  
Obi-Wan: ( _mutters_) And just in time.  
  
Rambo: (_ looks at Obi-Wan_) I love my rhyming, I really mean it!  
  
Obi-Wan: ( _swallows his pride_) Anybody want a peanut?  
  
(_ While Rambo continues to rhyme with Obi-Wan, Padme deals with the Tyrannosaurus Rex)  
_  
Anakin: ( _whispers)_ Don't move! It's suspicion is based on movement!  
  
T-Rex: Ah, I head that. (_ pulls out new set of glasses_) Just had laser surgury.  
  
Padme: Oh $*#&)!  
  
(_ T-Rex charges at Padme, who somehow flies into the air, still chained to the pillar_)  
  
Padme: ( _looks at Anakin)_ Are you doing this?  
  
Anakin: ( _smiles with sappy look on his face)_ Of course my dear!  
  
Padme: (_ to herself as she climbs to top of pillar_) You know, maybe this guy isn't so dumb after all.  
  
( _Cave Troll stabs Anakin, who laughs gallantly)_  
  
Anakin: Ha! Your pathetic weapon cannot hurt me!  
  
Dooku: (_ looks down at the arena_) I think there's more to this Jedi than meets the eye.  
  
( _ Anakin reveals special armor underneath his Jedi outfit ; Jackson starts to charge at Lucas in audience, holds himself back though)  
_  
( _Meanwhile the T-Rex slashes off part of Padme's outfit_)  
  
Anakin: Oh yeah! Way to go! You the lizard! ( _sees Padme scowling at him_) Uh, I mean, Padme, run!  
  
( _Padme groans, pulls out cell phone_)  
  
Padme: Hello? I would like to make a direct call to Mr. Chan? (_ motions for T-Rex to stand still, which he does_) Hello? Jackie? Hey man, it's Natalie! Yeah, I was wondering if you could help me out? Thanks a ton man! ( _hangs up_)  
  
(_ Out comes Jackie Chan, who sweetly defeats the T-Rex, as naturally he would_)  
  
Dooku:Hey! That's enough of that!  
  
(_ Sends out thousands of Droids to blow Padme, Anakin and Obi-Wan to smithereens)_  
  
Rambo: Hey! You can't do that to a poet as great as Obi! (_ pulls out weapon assortment, kicks the droid army to hell and back)  
_  
Dooku: ( _sends out second wave of droids_) Get them!  
  
(_ Suddenly, out of nowhere, Yoda, Mace Windu and the rest of the Jedi show up in the area)  
_  
Windu: Give up now Dooku!  
  
Dooku: Are you joking? ( _signals to droids to start firing_)  
  
Windu: Fine. You make us take drastic actions!  
  
( _Windu and the rest of the Jedi, except for Obi-Wan and Anakin, begin doing the chicken dance, as the music turns on in the background)  
_  
Obi-Wan: Geeze, this is brutal! I've never known the Jedi to take such actions! Look how dumb they're dancing!  
  
Anakin: No, Master Yoda really dances like that.  
  
( _Yoda begins break dancing on floor of arena_)  
  
Dooku: (_ rolls his eyes_) Will you droids just destroy them already?!  
  
Windu: Not so fast , Dooky!  
  
Dooku: ( _glares angrilly at Windu_) DONT CALL ME DOOKY!  
  
Jedi: Dooky,Dooky he's such a wookie!  
  
Dooku: GRRRRR! (_ signals droids to start firiing again_)  
  
( _Out of the sky come thousands of clone troopers and ships_)  
  
Dooku: Oh boy. ( _takes off_)  
  
Obi-Wan: Get him!  
  
( _He, Anakin and Padme take off after Dooku_)  
  
Obi-Wan: ( _points towards Dooku flying off)_ After him!  
  
Anakin: ( _notices clone troopers fighting droids_) Tubular dude!  
  
(_ Padme starts to roll her eyes, falls out of ship_)  
  
Anakin: Padme! (_ starts to jump out_)  
  
Obi-Wan: Stop you idiot! _(grabs Anakin's leg)  
_  
Anakin: I have to save Padme!  
  
Obi-Wan: (_mutters under his breath as he pulls an angry Anakin back onboard)_ I'm really starting to hate my master.  
  
(_ They chase Dooku to a cave, where he is about to take off_)  
  
Anakin: I'm going to get you Dooku! ( _runs into wall _)  
  
( Dooku and Obi-Wan exchange perturbed looks)  
  
Obi-Wan: You will not escape from here Dooku! _( pulls out lightsaber)  
_  
Dooku: Really master Kenobi? ( _ignites his lightsabe_r)  
  
( _Obi-Wan charges at Dooku; Dooku fakes a punch at Obi-Wan's face; Obi-Wan falls down)  
_  
Obi-Wan: Ugh, I am slain! (_ collapses)_  
  
Dooku:Master Kenobi, you disappoint me! (_ laughs)_ Master Yoda speaks so highly of you!  
  
Obi-Wan: I am gone! ( _Lucas comes out, slips Obi-Wan some cash while Dooku's back is turned)  
_  
Anakin: I'll show you Dooku!  
  
( _Starts to kick Dooku's butt, knocks his lightsaber away, about to cut off Dooku's head)_  
  
Anakin: Ha! You are defea- (_ notices Lucas motioning to him in corner of his eye_) Oh yeah. .   
  
( _Quickly throws Dooku back his lightsaber_)  
  
Anakin: ( _sees Lucas still glaring at him)_ Huh? Oh yeah! (_ chops his right forearm off)_  
  
Dooku: (_ looks around room_) What the hell is going on here?!  
  
( _Out comes Master Yoda_)  
  
Yoda: Hmm, powerful you have become Dooku. ( _winks at Anakin and Obi-Wan)_  
  
Dooku: Master Yoda. You have interfered with our plans for the last time.  
  
( _Shoots lightning out, sends objects flying at Yoda, makes parts of roof collapse on him_)  
  
Yoda: (_blocks lightning, flying objects, room parts, makes loser sign at Dooku)_  
  
Dooku: All right! Enough is enough!  
  
( _Disappears into a dressing room, comes back out as Saruman the White_)  
  
( _Cut to Audience_)  
  
Peter Jackson: All right, that does it!  
  
( _Charges at Lucas, beats him up, stands up triumphantly in audience)_  
  
Jackson: All right! Lucas is dead! Star Wars: Episode Three is mine!  
  
(_ Audience is mostly confused and annoyed_)  
  
Lucas: (_comes back from the dead)_ NEVER! STAR WARS IS MINE FOREVER!  
  
Audience: That's nice. Put the movie back on please.  
  
( _Movie begins again_)  
  
Yoda: (_giggles at Saruman_) Hmmm, girlish you have become Dooku. Nice long hair I see you have grown.  
  
Saruman: Shut up! (_ swings staff at Yoda)_  
  
Yoda: ( _shakes face_) Hmmm, breeze did I feel in here?  
  
Saruman: GRRR!  
  
( _Out comes Dooku_)  
  
Yoda: ( _gives Dooku strange look_) Confused,now I am.  
  
Dooku: This is my alter ego, Saruman the Wise. Where is your assistant, master Yoda (_ snickers evilly_)  
  
Yoda: Coming he is.  
  
(_ Out comes Rambo_)  
  
Rambo: Don't you talk to Master Yoda that way! (_ pulls out weapon, aims at Saruman_)  
  
Saruman: Oh @#$#*()(*!  
  
( _Runs off, Rambo chases him_)  
  
Yoda: Now duel we must, Master Dooku. (_ makes loser sign at Dooku again_)  
  
( _Yoda kicks Dooku's butt, about to finish him off_)  
  
Lucas: Stop! Dooku must escape! The script says so!  
  
Yoda: How stop his defeat, will you?  
  
Lucas: (_ grins evily_) I hold the ultimate weapon!   
  
( _Pulls out camera filming movie, presses )  
  
Yoda: (__finds he cannot move, looks annoyed_) Hosed, I have been.  
  
Dooku: HA HA! (_ makes loser sign at Yoda, takes off_)  
  
(_ Cut to Jedi Council later_)  
  
Yoda: Where your young apprentice is, Master Obi-Wan?  
  
Obi-Wan: (_ shrugs_) He wanted to go to Kamino for some vacation or something.  
  
Windu: (_ cracks up at this_) And you believed him?  
  
Obi-Wan: You know Anakin, he probably did go.  
  
( _Cut to Anakin and Padme getting married)_  
  
C-3PO: (_ turns to R2-D2_) I don't want to be pessimistic or anything, but this marriage just doesn't feel like it's going to work out to me. Does it to you?  
  
R2-D2: Beep boop beep! ( Amen brother!)  
  
( End)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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